Finding a babysitter and a painter

By Mike Silva

A little over a year ago, I discovered a gem of a book.

I was wasting time at a Barnes & Nobles in the "Humor" section and found a book called "Emails from an Asshole." It was hysterical.

The book came from a compilation of work from dontevenreply.com, where this guy pretty much goes on Craigslist and incessantly annoys anyone with a stupid ad. Genius.

Some of his pieces were hilarious, some were failures. Either way, I decided to try this out on my own for some amusement.

As you probably know, I can be an annoying, yet down right hilarious, asshole at times.

Here are some of the good responses I got:

The scenario: Woman (Jia "something or other") offering babysitting services from her parents. Presumably, they're old and have nothing else to do, so she wants to keep them busy. Of course, I had to mess with her.

Mike Silva: I may need your parents' services to watch my kids.

Thanks, Mike

Lady: But they only speak chinese. Is that ok?

MS: Yeah, that should be fine. I just need an eye kept on my son; he's a bit of a trouble maker lols. I have attached a photo of him so you get an idea of what's in mind.

What are their rates? How are we doing compensation.

Photo of son:

Lady: my parents do not think they can handle, since communication is way too hard. I am sorry.

MS: Jia (can I call you that?),

Communication will not be a problem. My son picked up some Chinese when he did time at county so he has an idea of what they'll be saying.

I already told him we found someone to watch him so he knows to be on hi best behavior.

So do you have paypal or are we doing cash? You still haven't told me their rates.

Lady: Mike, my parents have just accepted another offer to take care of a Chinese twin babies, so they will not be open recently any more. I am sorry. Hope you could find a better babysitter.

MS: Oh that's fine, my son wouldn't mind a little extra company. I mean, he can always help your parents keep an eye on the kids. I just need someone keeping an eye on him.

And you won't even have to worry about him or the kids making a mess of their house!

My son is on house arrest, but he knows how to remove the leg detector, so your parents will need to come to my house.

I'll give you the address when needed. Until then, you still haven't told me the rates! You're a tough negotiator I see! :)

Needless to say, she didn't respond anymore. I wonder why they didn't want to watch him. He's well-behaved.

Here's another one. Not as good, but still a "knee-slapper."

The scenario: "Handyman" looking for work. Has a plethora of alleged skills, but dude just comes off as stupid to me. It doesn't seem he ever grasped the concept of what I needed. His ignorance was probably the biggest laugh of all.

Mike Silva: I may need your "handyman" skills this weekend. Let me know if you're still interested.

Thanks,

Mike

Handyman Idiot: yes can you call me 832-xxx-xxxx thank you

MS: I'd like to call you but unfortunately I left my phone in my jacket pocket when I tossed it in the tub last week. Email should suffice.

Anywho! You said you have painting skills? Those are specifically what I'll need.

Not long ago a friend pranked me by using a hand buzzer. I was humiliated. I need to get him back.

Well he drives an '02 civic and I would like you to paint a rainbow along with the words "turd burglar" on the side of his car. Whichever side you choose is up to you.

He may get upset if he catches you but if you just act like you don't speak English you should be fine. His parents are foreign too so he empathizes with foreigners.

Now that were clear on your tasks, what are your rates? What's the next move?

HI: understand i do paint so just e-mail me with what your looking for ok thanks

MS: Basically, paint a rainbow on my friend's car like I said in my previous email.

Then paint "Turd Burglar" on the side of his car.

Also, while we're on the subject, can you spray paint "douche bag" in his lawn? Of course, I will pay the extra costs.

Here is a photo of his car. Like I said, if he comes after you, just run away and feign ignorance. Make sure to wear running shoes.

You can call me on my house phone.

Number is: (281)536-920

Thanks!

HI: oh you need someone to paint a car well here is my brother-in-laws number he paints cars 832-xxx-xxxx

??????? If you're anything like me, and I assume you are since you're reading up to this point, your first thought is, "WTF?!"

Clearly, he said "i do paint so just e-mail me," then continues to say, "oh you need someone to paint a car well here is my brother-in-laws number." What a slouch. Not once did he ever even question the ethics of his proposed duties. Tool.

This time, I didn't even reply. For what? Moron.

Anyways, more to come soon.