Why procrastination is always the path to success

By Mike Silva

The beauty in this piece is in its irony. 

I remember piecing this together in about 15 minutes back in 2010. A good friend of mine, Brandon Scott, was short of writing on the Viewpoints page because someone flaked out on him and didn't present him their promised column. Idiot. 

So he asked if I could write one for him, since he already wrote something himself and didn't want the page to be all about him. 

I finished this column at just about the last possible minute for publication, which really just added to the message and authenticity of what I was trying to tell. As always, enjoy. 

* * *

Procrastination. It is an act that we can all identify with and practice, especially as college students. 

If you procrastinate and put things off until the last second like I do, then you do it for several reasons: laziness, doubt, and just because. 

Being last-second about things is elementary in my everyday routine. 

I go to class, where I sit and listen to a lecture for over an hour, then I go to yet another class to do the same thing. When my time on campus has finally ended for the day, I go home and relax. 

Which is exactly what most students understandably do. The last, and I mean absolute last, thing I want to do is revisit the very things that I just spent the last three hours of my life absorbing. I want to escape that which I just endured, so I turn to procrastination. 

Most people will argue against procrastination, with reasonable debate. 

"If you get it done with as soon as possible, then you won't have to worry about it later," is a common phrase associated with the anti-procrastination discussion. This is true, but why worry about it immediately? Either way you have to get done whatever it is you need to get done. Take some time off in between, gather your thoughts and attack it with a fresh mindset. 

"When you do something at the last possible minute, you get no time to reexamine your work and correct your errors." This too is true. But think of it this way: with this mindset you are more accident-prone, thinking to yourself ‘oh, I can always go back and fix this,' essentially adding to your workload. And when do you go back and fix it? At the last possible second, therefore rendering procrastination inevitable. So why not do it all at once? 

If you are a master of procrastination, which I believe I am, then you have also adapted to working well under pressure, which in effect makes your margin of error smaller, increasing your attention to the work at hand. 

Don't listen to people that tell you otherwise. If you're the kind of person that likes to get things done early and that works for you, then stick to it. But for those procrastinators, the same rule applies. If you're good at putting things off to the last second, why change your ways? It's like I always say, "if it's not broke, don't fix it."

Remember when...

By Mike Silva

For those of you who bask in nostalgia and refuse to acknowledge the difference in size of the rearview mirror and your windshield (guilty), this one's for you. 

A somehow harmonious mix of nice and melancholy thoughts intertwine here to make you feel happy and crappy at the same time. 

Another classic column, brought to you. I "remember when" I wrote this, and even that brings nostalgia. Enjoy. 

---

I've always been described by those close to me as someone who puts in a lot of attention to detail. 

Friday night, I realized why people have donned this title upon me. 

Your Viewpoints Editor, Brandon Scott, along with your Sports Reporter, Lotis Butchko, and myself were at Shenanigan's for Fight Night. We were trying something new: live broadcasting of our usually pre-recorded and edited podcast, "The Houstonian Sports Show," via uStream. 

Our commentary endeavors were interesting, and different, to say the least, but something small stood out to me. 

I noticed Lotis, an ex-boxer and current MMA fanatic, staring at each fight with some sort of glimmer in his eyes. He was the most boxing-savvy of the three of us, and he gave easily the best commentary, but I did notice something about his demeanor. 

He almost looked like he wanted to lace up the ol' boots and jump in the ring, just like old times. Like he could easily put down the microphone, step away from our makeshift radio booth, and throw on some gloves before going over the ropes. 

He was nostalgic, plain and simple. 

I could relate, though. There are tons of things I miss from the past. 

Remember when we were younger, and it was a must to get home from class and watch Nickelodeon? Are You Afraid of the Dark, Ren and Stimpy, Rocko's Modern Life? All classics, to this day. 

Or how about when we thought Sega Dreamcast revolutionized video gaming, and no other system could ever top it? That was forgotten once Playstation 2 came out. 

What about all the fads that came and gone? Pokemon, Yo-Yo's, Pogs, Scooters, Power Rangers. I never got into that Yu-Gi-Oh business. 

Remember when we all got a little bit older, and we would get excited about school dances? Which, by the way, we would go to and hear exclusively Backstreet Boys, N'Sync, and Britney Spears. I don't miss that part so much. 

How about when Myspace came around, and it meant the end of the world when you weren't in someone's "Top 8?" Messages were just ok for me, but the best site was seeing those blue words that read "New Comments." 

Remember when you would send/receive written notes from the opposite sex at school? Those made gloomy days suddenly much brighter. 

But then things changed. We all got a little bit older, and the little things didn't matter as much.

Now, going to the movies is a last resort on a boring weekend, where in the past, going to the movie theatre was the weekend. 

I only like to drive when I absolutely must, when in the past I would hop in the car and get away in the blink of an eye. 

These days, I cherish seeing my family, whereas when I was a kid, I couldn't be more annoyed with my family, and it was all about hanging with my friends. 

I guess the message I'm selling is to put attention to detail, and treasure the little things. We all look forward to the future or back at the past, without much regard to the present. An older friend of mine used to tell me there was a reason the windshield is so much bigger than the rearview. 

True, I would say. But hey, we all get nostalgic, plain and simple.

An Easter Day triumph

By Mike Silva

Remember my challenge of overcoming my deepest of cravings to succeed in defeating temptation for lent? 

If you've forgotten, catch up here. If you remember, then proceed for a follow-up. Did I achieve my goal, or succumb to the dark side? Find out. Enjoy. 

---

Life wouldn't be life without having to overcome daily obstacles. I like to believe these challenges present a way to test how we respond to adversity, whether successful or unsuccessful, whilst teaching us some kind of lesson. 

In those instances where we win, we leave with the satisfaction that victory gives us. But in the cases where we lose, we can still gain a lot from our experiences, which can shape our outlook on future endeavors. 

My latest encounter of this kind presented itself to me in the oddest form: an antagonizing, nasty instigator, better known as the common "house-fly". 

For the past couple of days, this pest has done everything in its power to bug me, no pun intended. 

When I'm making something to eat, it hovers around my fixings like kids with their hands in the cookie jar before dinner. When I watch TV, it floats on the screen, distracting me while hindering my viewing pleasure. Even when I'm on my computer, doing homework, it buzzes in my face or rests on my shoulder, almost like a nosey younger sibling, curiously observing my every move. 

Before long, I decided that this insect had worn out its welcome. After a few seconds of deep thought, I had made up my mind: the fly had to go. 

I began to put together the plans of exterminating the fly and pondered my approach. Do I use my cunning to rid of it strategically, or do I go the crazed route and attack it head on? I decided the latter was the better choice. 

My first move was to grab the heaviest thing near me, swing it at the bug and batter it into oblivion. My technique was probably skewed, but perhaps my tool was the problem. The pillow I swung around like a fool did nothing but provoke the fly. It became aware of my scheme and war was amongst us. 

Considering I failed miserably with my scrappy take, I chose to move on to more tactical methods. Surely I could outsmart this fly. 

The first step was to lure it in. I set out a piece of bologna that I microwaved to release an aroma to attract my adversary. I waited near my trap with the only projectile spray can I had: a bottle of Pledge. 

Needless to say, the fly was wise to my strategy and so I failed once again. I felt like Schwartzenegger in Predator. I was hopeless, and hence decided to quit. I turned the TV on, cut off the lights, and watched some ESPN. 

Noticing my demeanor, the fly chose to rub it in. This insect flew back and forth onto the screen, almost inviting me to come at it again. There was no doubt, it was gloating, and laughing at me. 

Defeated, I turned off the tube and hit the shower. I closed the door, only to see that I had a guest. Yes, the fly had indeed followed me into the restroom to add insult to injury. 

I couldn't take it. I refused to embrace the fate of losing. In a rage, I grabbed a sock and swatted the insect out of the air. It landed in my sink. I realized I had an opportunity and I needed to seize it. 

I proceeded to turn on the water, flushing it into the abyss. I felt immense relief, as if weight had been lifted off of me. All because of a fly. 

After my shower, I went to my room to sleep. As I turned off the light, and lay my head down, I heard something. In my peripherals, I became aware of an astonishing fact: the fly did not die. I couldn't believe it. I refused to believe it. But then it hit me. 

I was not supposed to defeat this bug. This incident was not destined to go in my favor. And so I realized, I had ultimately lost this battle. But I laughed. I had to. I got completely worked up and bent out of shape over a fly. 

The craziest part is that if even for a mere moment, it humbled me. Like my most recent incident with the fly, I realized that you can't always have success, and you should learn from your losses. And so I accepted defeat. 

This fly taught me something. The most ridiculous, trivial incident reiterated the classic idiom: you can't win them all.

The challenge that is lent

Recently, I started a series of classic posts, most (well, actually, all) of which came from my columns for the Houstonian at SHSU. 

This one talks about the challenge of lent, and my goal to defeat my biggest enemy: myself. Enjoy.

---

About a week ago from today, I did what most people do this time of the year: live out all my last second vices before deciding what to give up for lent. 

Electing what to give up for 40 days is always a challenge for me. I like to give up something that is detrimental to my daily routine, demonstrating my will power as well as improving my overall quality of living. As I was enjoying the Taco Bell "Barkley Box," as I like to call it, it didn't take long for me to realize my biggest weakness staring me in the eyes: fast food. 

Fast food is a college student's best friend. What's not to love? It's cheap, tasty, and obviously fast. While running to and from classes, trying to find time to squeeze in a meal that will efficiently do its job of filling me up quickly, fast food was my go-to guy. But I don't need to tell you twice of the wrongdoings it does to everyone's health, hence my choice to rid of it. 

I began my journey by finding healthy alternatives all last week. I found myself eating a lot of sandwiches, cereal, and protein meal bars, all the ignoring the calls of fast food. Little did I know, temptation was everywhere, trying its hardest to make me fold. 

First, I dealt with television advertisements, promoting the very thing I was attempting to resist. There were as many fast food commercials on TV as there were Tiger Woods mistress revelations. It drove me insane. 

I didn't have enough fingers to count all the Taco Bell "5 Buck Box" commercials, or all of the free food promos, like free-pancakes Tuesday at IHOP and the new "buy a large drink get a free grilled sandwich" Jack In the Box promo. 

In an attempt to escape these overwhelming advertising schemes, I decided to walk to the store Sunday and pick up something to snack on. This was maybe my worst decision yet. 

I didn't think a simple walk to the store would surround me in the biggest temptation yet: an abundance of junk-food litter. There was a Whataburger bag, a Jack In the Box burger wrapper, and yes, even Taco Bell trash. 

If it was a TV ad, I could change the channel. If there was a free-food promo, I could ignore it or erase it. But there, in front of my face, was fast food paraphernalia. How terrifying. 

I half expected Ronald McDonald to ring me up at the corner store. 

Nevertheless, I fought the urges and am proud to say that I am still "fast-food free." I am yet to fall to the seductive red-head from Wendy's, and Sonic has not yet claimed me a victim of gluttony. In the end, I will say I resisted temptation and fought my cravings through to Easter by conquering my cravings. I will only fail if I am awakened by the Burger King one night in the middle of my slumber, holding a Whopper over my head.

Don't fight with flies

By Mike Silva

Like my "guy thing" post I posted, the following is another column I wrote for the Houstonian back at SHSU. 

Another good read. Enjoy.

---

Life wouldn't be life without having to overcome daily obstacles. I like to believe these challenges present a way to test how we respond to adversity, whether successful or unsuccessful, whilst teaching us some kind of lesson.

In those instances where we win, we leave with the satisfaction that victory gives us. But in the cases where we lose, we can still gain a lot from our experiences, which can shape our outlook on future endeavors.

My latest encounter of this kind presented itself to me in the oddest form: an antagonizing, nasty instigator, better known as the common "house-fly".

For the past couple of days, this pest has done everything in its power to bug me, no pun intended. 

When I'm making something to eat, it hovers around my fixings like kids with their hands in the cookie jar before dinner. When I watch TV, it floats on the screen, distracting me while hindering my viewing pleasure. Even when I'm on my computer, doing homework, it buzzes in my face or rests on my shoulder, almost like a nosey younger sibling, curiously observing my every move.

Before long, I decided that this insect had worn out its welcome. After a few seconds of deep thought, I had made up my mind: the fly had to go.

I began to put together the plans of exterminating the fly and pondered my approach. Do I use my cunning to rid of it strategically, or do I go the crazed route and attack it head on? I decided the latter was the better choice.

My first move was to grab the heaviest thing near me, swing it at the bug and batter it into oblivion. My technique was probably skewed, but perhaps my tool was the problem. The pillow I swung around like a fool did nothing but provoke the fly. It became aware of my scheme and war was amongst us.

Considering I failed miserably with my scrappy take, I chose to move on to more tactical methods. Surely I could outsmart this fly.

The first step was to lure it in. I set out a piece of bologna that I microwaved to release an aroma to attract my adversary. I waited near my trap with the only projectile spray can I had: a bottle of Pledge. Yes, the hardcore dust repellant. 

Needless to say, the fly was wise to my feeble strategy and so I failed once again. I felt like Schwartzenegger in Predator. I was hopeless, and hence decided to quit. I turned the TV on, cut off the lights, and watched some ESPN. 

Noticing my somber demeanor, the fly chose to rub it in. This insect flew back and forth onto the screen, almost inviting me to come at it again. There was no doubt, it was gloating, and laughing at me.

Defeated, I turned off the tube and hit the shower. I closed the door, only to see that I had a guest. Yes, the fly had indeed followed me into the restroom to add insult to injury.

I couldn't take it. I refused to embrace the fate of losing. In a rage, I grabbed a sock and swatted the insect out of the air. It landed in my sink. I realized I had an opportunity and I needed to seize it. 

I proceeded to turn on the water, flushing it into the abyss. I felt immense relief, as if weight had been lifted off of me. All because of a fly.

After my shower, I went to my room to sleep. As I turned off the light, and lay my head down, I heard something. In my peripherals, I became aware of an astonishing fact: the fly did not die. I couldn't believe it. I refused to believe it. But then it hit me.

I was not supposed to defeat this bug. This incident was not destined to go in my favor. And so I realized, I had ultimately lost this battle. But I laughed. I had to. I got completely worked up and bent out of shape over a fly.

The craziest part is that if even for a mere moment, it humbled me. Like my most recent incident with the fly, I realized that you can't always have success, and you should learn from your losses. And so I accepted defeat. 

This fly taught me something. The most ridiculous, trivial incident reiterated the classic idiom: you can't win them all.

It's just a guy thing

By Mike Silva

I wrote the following as a column in the Viewpoints section of my college newspaper, the Houstonian, back at Sam Houston State University. 

I thought it was good, so I regurgitated it here. Enjoy.

---

There are few times in an adult man’s life when he is allowed to act childish.

In these instances, even the mature adult who says, “Hey, act your age,” is making a motion in futility. For these cases, there is no hope to slide us, as men, to a favorable mood.

Most of the time, when we get in this “mood,” it is because something is out of our hands or there is something happening in which we have no control of determining the outcome, yet somehow we feel unfairly shorted and begin to place blame on any and every thing, unreasonably.

One example includes when your team is losing.

Obviously, we have no power in altering the work ethic and accomplishments of complete strangers being paid millions for recreational activities. Either way, their short fallings seem to affect us in the biggest way.

Typical rundown of what happens: my Yankees are losing, I become irate; I blame the loss on the umps, and the terrible front office for bringing in “bums” to fill positions; I accuse these all-stars of playing worse than my 71-year-old grandmother could, all of which is complete nonsense.

Another occurrence when this bravado dilemma exists is when guys face off in Madden. For any guy who is truly a guy, I don’t need to elaborate on the importance of winning a game of Madden.

Through some ridiculous flaw in logic, we equate whoever is best at Madden with being the most manly guy of the bunch. Throw all corny Chuck Norris jokes aside: the man who dominates Madden is the real man.

So understandably, when we lose, it’s the end of the world. This somehow means you’re less of a man than your winning adversary, so the immaturity resurfaces. It’s bad enough if you lose to a stranger, but by all means, don’t lose to a friend. Names will be called, tempers will flare, and you will hear for hours how you suck. That is, until you defeat your friend, and the tables turn.

In any case, we blame the game on cheating for our opponent, or claim the game wants our friend’s team to win, and that’s why we lost, which again is completely off the wall.

These actions are inevitable. No matter what, we men will be on at least one end of this sort of incident at multiple times in our lives. The question is not how to prevent or alter the outcome. The real query is why we do it.

Maybe it has to do with our competitive nature. Maybe it has to do with jealousy, where we would rather triumph and brag about than see the reverse happen with another guy. Maybe it has to do with how arrogant we have become and how we are spoiled with ways to entertain ourselves.

I don’t know if anyone will ever understand why we do it. Until someone discovers that answer, my explanation will be simple and to-the-point: it’s a guy thing.

Finding a babysitter and a painter

By Mike Silva

A little over a year ago, I discovered a gem of a book.

I was wasting time at a Barnes & Nobles in the "Humor" section and found a book called "Emails from an Asshole." It was hysterical.

The book came from a compilation of work from dontevenreply.com, where this guy pretty much goes on Craigslist and incessantly annoys anyone with a stupid ad. Genius.

Some of his pieces were hilarious, some were failures. Either way, I decided to try this out on my own for some amusement.

As you probably know, I can be an annoying, yet down right hilarious, asshole at times.

Here are some of the good responses I got:

The scenario: Woman (Jia "something or other") offering babysitting services from her parents. Presumably, they're old and have nothing else to do, so she wants to keep them busy. Of course, I had to mess with her.

Mike Silva: I may need your parents' services to watch my kids.

Thanks, Mike

Lady: But they only speak chinese. Is that ok?

MS: Yeah, that should be fine. I just need an eye kept on my son; he's a bit of a trouble maker lols. I have attached a photo of him so you get an idea of what's in mind.

What are their rates? How are we doing compensation.

Photo of son:

Lady: my parents do not think they can handle, since communication is way too hard. I am sorry.

MS: Jia (can I call you that?),

Communication will not be a problem. My son picked up some Chinese when he did time at county so he has an idea of what they'll be saying.

I already told him we found someone to watch him so he knows to be on hi best behavior.

So do you have paypal or are we doing cash? You still haven't told me their rates.

Lady: Mike, my parents have just accepted another offer to take care of a Chinese twin babies, so they will not be open recently any more. I am sorry. Hope you could find a better babysitter.

MS: Oh that's fine, my son wouldn't mind a little extra company. I mean, he can always help your parents keep an eye on the kids. I just need someone keeping an eye on him.

And you won't even have to worry about him or the kids making a mess of their house!

My son is on house arrest, but he knows how to remove the leg detector, so your parents will need to come to my house.

I'll give you the address when needed. Until then, you still haven't told me the rates! You're a tough negotiator I see! :)

Needless to say, she didn't respond anymore. I wonder why they didn't want to watch him. He's well-behaved.

Here's another one. Not as good, but still a "knee-slapper."

The scenario: "Handyman" looking for work. Has a plethora of alleged skills, but dude just comes off as stupid to me. It doesn't seem he ever grasped the concept of what I needed. His ignorance was probably the biggest laugh of all.

Mike Silva: I may need your "handyman" skills this weekend. Let me know if you're still interested.

Thanks,

Mike

Handyman Idiot: yes can you call me 832-xxx-xxxx thank you

MS: I'd like to call you but unfortunately I left my phone in my jacket pocket when I tossed it in the tub last week. Email should suffice.

Anywho! You said you have painting skills? Those are specifically what I'll need.

Not long ago a friend pranked me by using a hand buzzer. I was humiliated. I need to get him back.

Well he drives an '02 civic and I would like you to paint a rainbow along with the words "turd burglar" on the side of his car. Whichever side you choose is up to you.

He may get upset if he catches you but if you just act like you don't speak English you should be fine. His parents are foreign too so he empathizes with foreigners.

Now that were clear on your tasks, what are your rates? What's the next move?

HI: understand i do paint so just e-mail me with what your looking for ok thanks

MS: Basically, paint a rainbow on my friend's car like I said in my previous email.

Then paint "Turd Burglar" on the side of his car.

Also, while we're on the subject, can you spray paint "douche bag" in his lawn? Of course, I will pay the extra costs.

Here is a photo of his car. Like I said, if he comes after you, just run away and feign ignorance. Make sure to wear running shoes.

You can call me on my house phone.

Number is: (281)536-920

Thanks!

HI: oh you need someone to paint a car well here is my brother-in-laws number he paints cars 832-xxx-xxxx

??????? If you're anything like me, and I assume you are since you're reading up to this point, your first thought is, "WTF?!"

Clearly, he said "i do paint so just e-mail me," then continues to say, "oh you need someone to paint a car well here is my brother-in-laws number." What a slouch. Not once did he ever even question the ethics of his proposed duties. Tool.

This time, I didn't even reply. For what? Moron.

Anyways, more to come soon.

Hauling services and tickets to "Enricky"

By Mike Silva

My shenanigans continue and they're only getting better.

As you recall, my two previous posts involved me A. replying to people's ads, B. giving them ridiculous duties, C. laughing hysterically at their responses.

I can't take all the credit for this idea. I'm not a pioneer, simply the monkey-do to this guy'smonkey-see. Did I say that right? I explain more here.

Anyway, the fun continues.

---

Scenario: Lady, presumably an associate to a company, is offering hauling services to those in need. I guess they have a big truck, wanna make money, and benevolently help those who truly need heavy things hauled.

Yes, I agree. She's practically begging someone to jack with her.

Mike Silva: I need help transporting something, and need your services.

Thanks, Mike

Danette, Hauling Extraordinare: Ok Mike Can you give me the details and when you need this done?
Dani

MS: Well, Danette, let me tell you about it!

My Aunt Henrietta starting living with my family about a week ago. She is unable to drive because of her size, and she doesn't fit in my Prius. She works at a Wal-Mart checking receipts and such, really hardcore work. Anyways, she'll need reliable transportation to and from work. She works Monday through Friday, 10 p.m. to 5:49 a.m.

I'll need you to pick her up from our home. I'm assuming you guys have bungee cord and straps to keep her from flying out the back of the truck, right? If not, no worries, I'll throw some in. She can probably get 'em from Wal-Mart at great prices with her discounts.

Anyways, what are your rates?

DHE: Rate depends.....From where to where?

Are you kidding? Bungee cords?

MS: We live in west Houston, near Katy. She works at the Wal-Mart in College Park near the Woodlands. I think it's Exit 78 off I-45.

And of course, the bungee would be to strap her down. She weighs somewhere between 350-375. I know this because I can powerclean a solid 325 as my max, and I was truly unable to help her up after her fall last week. I had to call over a couple of neighbors to help me pick her. We kind of rolled her onto a thick piece of plywood and successfully transported to her bed. How the bedframe holds her up is beyond me. Side note: you'll need some burly hands to lift her onto your truck bed.

Anyways, I can provide the straps and such if needed. She needs some sort of support to hold her down. A 350-375-pound woman flying off a truck bed going 75 mph on I-45 can be chaos.

So what are we looking at? When can I expect you to start coming by?! :)

DHE: You sure seem to be taking a lot of time to email this nonsense to me. I really don't have time for games.

I guess I was wasting her time. She probably couldn't have hauled Aunt Henrietta anyways.

I know what you're thinking, why didn't I persist? I sent her a few more emails but no response, so I decided it was time to bring this prank to a close.

Scenario: By far the funniest of all of these pranks. My ultimate favorite, bar none. Some guy needs tickets to the Pit Bull-Enrique Iglesias (keep note of the spelling) concert in the coming months in Houston. I offered him a pair of "tickets." It's truly breathtaking how stupid some people are.

Note: I took the liberty of putting my thoughts in parentheses, (like this), just to give the play-by-play of what was going on. Enjoy.

Mike Silva: I have just the tickets for you!

Thanks, Mike

Ticket Idiot: Oh yeah? (who the hell responds with just two words, "oh yeah?", to fill up the body of an email?)

MS: Yes, they're great! I bought em on buycheapticketsnow.com. I was gonna go with my cousin Sue but she's got metacarpal surgery and can't go. If you'd like, I can attach a picture of the tickets for you. (Ironically, that really is a website. Good thing is, if you go to it, it says under construction. That should at least give me away, right?)

TI: Ok...send the pic (There ya go!)

MS: You're gonna love it! This is how it came to me in the mail. I hope you enjoy. How much are you willing the pay? (Didn't realize it says a different date in the bottom left hand corner. Oh well. Of course, "Lily Allen" is the ticket recipient, which this guy should also question, considering I told him my name was Mike. Also, note the price says $20.)

Photo of "ticket":

TI: 200 each? (Obviously didn't look at ticket, or he's just an idiot.)

MS: Maybe we can work that. I don't know, I'm a pretty big Enricky fan. I got em from that site for $231.78/each. That's not even counting tax. But if you too are an Enrique fan, maybe I could help you out. (Me realizing, oh sh*t, dude hasn't caught on that this is a prank, what an idiot. I even spelt Enrique two different ways for him to catch on.)

TI: Please call me 713 xxx-xxxx (WTF?! Are you serious, dude? What do I have to do to end this? Am I now being pranked? Surely, no one is this dumb.)

MS: Unfortunately, I do not have my phone. I accidentally baked it with my batch of cookies in the oven last week. Stupid me. Anyways, email should be good, or you can call me tomorrow on my work phone between the hours of 8:03 a.m. and 4:57 p.m. You can reach me there at 713-982-39120, and make sure you punch in extension number 3842 when they ask you to. If you don't, you'll simply patch through to my secretary Juanita. She'll have you relay a special password to her (I get a lot of telemarketers and spammers), which for tomorrow will be "jacuzzi," but you have to stretch out the 'u' like, "jacooooooozi." This is very important, or she won't let you through. 

Anyways, as long as you're happy with how the tickets look we're go! (Finally! I win.)

I wonder what pushed him over the edge. Did he look back at the ticket? Did he visit buycheapticketsnow.com? Did he find better seats.

And please, God, for the sake of humanity, tell me he didn't actually call.

Can you be my "D.J."?

By Mike Silva

Hence marks the return of my "antics."

You can read my previous stunts here, since you probably haven't already.

After a writing hiatus, I abandoned this duty, to sit around and socialize with my Netflix instant queue. 

Well, I got hungry again.

---

I decided to come back strong, kind of like the No. 45 to my previous No. 23. Just kidding, I was never that good, but I'd like to think people got some laughs.

Before I share my new pieces, I'll give you one I irresponsibly neglected to post back in August. 

Scenario: I crafted a ridiculous scenario to throw an innocent soul into. I found a "D.J." No, not a disc jockey, a man named D.J. Or at least someone pretending to be D.J. 

Enjoy.

Mike Silva: Mr. D.J. Ivan, 

Boy am I happy to see you're available! I've been looking for a professional D.J. forever now. Let me know if you're interested!

Thanks,
Bill

D.J. Ivan: I am very interested email me or text me or call me so we can discuss how I can help you 713-xxx-xxxx Dj Ivan

MS: Mr. Ivan, 

Unfortunately I cannot call you, because I am currently phoneless. I forgot I placed it behind my tires and backed out over it, ruined. Silly me!

Anyways, I am going to a major "family summer bbq blowout" before all the kids go back to school or whatever. I really need a "D.J.," and considering you're a professional, that just makes you and our story even more credible.

DI: I am sorry to hear that about your phone. All I need is a Date so I can check my schedule to see If it's available and time so I can give you a great deal so we can make that special day extra fun with awesome music by Dj Ivan :) 

MS: Music? I guess that would be okay. As long as my family knows, or thinks, your name is D.J. 

See, about four months ago, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house. They said I'd better get a job if I wanted to keep my "deadbeat ass off the streets." Unfortunately, I couldn't find one, so I just lied and said I did. I just dress up in a suit everyday and go kill seven hours at the public library just to keep them off my ass.

They kept hounding me about it, asking info, so I told them I worked for a man named "D.J.," so that's where you come in. Surely, my family will be asking about my job, so what better than to have my "boss" come with me. ;) Considering you're already a professional D.J., this should be a cake walk for you. 

The date is August 20, from 3:28pm-9:12pm. Let me know how this works from your end, like your approach, your pitch, your story, etc. You must make a killing in this business!

DI: I am not sure if we are on the same page what exactly do you need or want me to do. Because I thought you wanted me to Dj like mix music for your families BBQ but it seems like something else I mean I am down to give you a hand in whatever I just need to know exactly what I am doing and if I am getting paid. 

MS: Music? Lol what would I need music for? Mr. Ivan, you're a funny guy! 

Basically, I will have my entire family at this bbq, and I need to impress them. You would just have to pretend to be a man named "D.J.," presumably "D.J. Ivan," since that's really your name, or at least your alias. I understand if you don't wanna let me know your real name if it isn't D.J. Ivan. It's probably best if I don't know all the truth anyways, I don't know how these impersonator things work. You know how bosses always seem to be mysterious. It'd be good to keep this stigma around for the bbq.

Though, they may ask you what D.J. stands for i.e. "Daniel James Ivan," or "Demetri Josef Ivan." You could use your real name, but it may impress them more if you just said it stands for a fancy sounding name, like, "DiGiovanni Julius Ivan." What you choose to do is up to you.

Of course we'd discuss compensation. There will obviously be free food there, and if you'd like, I could sneak some money out my mom's purse when she isn't looking. I just need to know how much.

Anyways, I really would like to know more about how this works. How many times have you impersonated a "D.J."? Also, who is your employer, and is he/she hiring? If you're good at your craft, and I can pick up on it a bit, maybe I can play a "Tony." I've always loved that name! Just remember, tell your boss my hours (which I previously stated). 

Thanks man! I can't wait to work with you! :) 

DI: I am sorry I can not help you. it sounds like you need some help that I can not provide for you. I believe you are mistaken in my services. Have a great day

MS: I'm very confused. I felt like we developed a very good rapport. Am I wrong?

What exactly are your services, Mr. Ivan? You are truly a D.J., right? Please tell me where I went wrong. I definitely think we can work a deal, right?

Come on, I really need you, "boss."

DI: Well I am a professional Dj like as a Dj who plays music like at parties and clubs idk what kind of DJ you have in mind but I am not that. like I said earlier I am sorry but I will not be able to be of service to you. 

MS: Look sir, if you really wanna play music there, that's not a problem, I just don't see how that helps with the plot. Nevertheless, I will not question your methods. After all, you're the professional at this, not me. 

So do you think I should call you Mr. Ivan, like an old school boss-employee relationship, or just D.J., like a progressive, new era type relationship? Maybe even like nicknames, like "Deej?" Just a thought.

If we do go old-school, though, can you just reiterate that your name is D.J. for them? Maybe introduce yourself like, "Hello, D.J. Ivan. And you are?" Aunt Edna is poor of hearing, so you'll have to kind of shout it, just a side note. 

And of course, if you have to play your music, that's fine. However, I told them we work at a funeral home, so I think mixing up some dubstep or reggaeton would really throw them off. But hey, I'm sure you know what you're doing. I just wanna make this work.

DI: Go away.

In typical, old-school boss fashion, he dismissed me without explanation. I didn't realize playing music at the party was the swing-vote. 

You're welcome.

Reboot "disk" and a place to party

By Mike Silva

Last week, I posted a blog jacking with people on Craigslist.

Why? I explained it all here.

The latest installment of my "antics," as one friend called them, are below.

Scenario: Guy has a messed up laptop, needs a reboot "disk," but for some reason, he put "REBOOT DICK NEEDED." Idiot.

Either he: A. suffered from that phenomenon where you say a word and accidentally type what you said rather than what you intended to write, which in this case would be weird because that means he was talking about dick with someone, B. genuine typo, which is doubtful because the "c" key isn't very close to the "s" key, at least not directly next to it, or C. he wanted to be bait in a prank because he is a dumbass.

For what reason would I NOT go in on this guy?

Mike Silva: I may be able to help you out.

I am a little confused with your ad, however. Your subject says "Reboot disk" but then in your message you go on to say you need a "reboot dick". Please help me help you.

Thanks,

Mike

Gamer Noob: Sorry it should say disk ...

MS: Oh. Then I can't help you. Sorry.

GN: yeah not a freak just did not read it before i posted ...So you can help with a reboot DISK.lol

MS: Sorry dude. I'm a little nervous now. I hope you can find someone who can help you "reboot". Is that what they call it these days?

GN: Look i am not some freaken fag. i really need a reboot disk for my laptop it is an EVO 610...GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE FREAKEN GUTTER.

MS: Hey, I wasn't the one who posted an ad looking for a "reboot dick."

GN: it's called a typo . wow what a piece of shit...

Pretty funny. I'm the P.O.S. Come on, don't you think this guy would've taken the same opportunity? How can you not? I wonder if he ever got what he "needed."

Scenario: Lady needs a venue for a wedding rehearsal dinner she's hosting. This is one's easily one of my favorites. She must have been pretty pissed/confused.

Mike Silva: I have a venue for your dinner.

Mike

Desperate Host: Could you please be a little more descriptive?

MS: Sure!

Well as you said, your dinner will need to be on the 30th of April. That works great for me!

My neighbors own a 2 floor, 2 bedroom house. There is a dining room, a formal dining room, and a kitchen.

The garage is air conditioned and has work out equipment (just in case you guys like to exercise!).

The backyard is spacious and has a swingset and a sandbox for entertainment. The house altogether is approximately 1700 square feet.

The 30th should be perfect because my neighbors are going on a business trip from April 28-May 2. I'm housesitting for them and they said no guests, but hey, I don't want to be alone and I'm sure you guys will help me tidy up!

It's a pretty nice house in the north west area, and considering it's for a rehearsal dinner, I'll only charge you $85 (provided you all can help me clean up after :) )

DH: Thanks for the offer but given that you do not have the owner’s consent I do not think it is a good idea. I have found a possible other venue anyway. Thanks for your time.

MS: Oh wait I just asked them. They said it's cool no big deal.

So I talked to my friend Alonzo. He holds a supervisor position at his job

(Taco Bell) and he said he would have no problem catering. They have some of

the best, authentic Mexican food in the area. Lucky you!

I also booked a "Daffy's Play Spot" moonwalk for the party. They said it's

gonna cost about 75/hour, so I'll need to recompensated for that as well.

This sounds like it'll be a lot of fun! When can we meet to discuss payment?

DH: As I stated in my last email, I am not interested in having the gathering

with you at your venue. Good luck to you.

Ps. I never said I wanted a moonwalk for the party - so any expenses you

need to be 're-compensated' for are on you.

MS: Was it the Taco Bell idea? If you're not a fan I have a buddy that works at

a gourmet Chinese restaurant (Panda Express) if you'd rather that. Yes/no?

If you don't want me there I guess I can find something else to do with my

time.

Please trust in my party liason skills.

PS it's ok I went ahead and did it anyways. I guess I'll have the

houseowners recompensate me for it.

DH: Do not contact me again! I am not interested.

This lady missed out. Imagine a party with Taco Bell, Panda Express, and a moonwalk. Who the hell wouldn't wanna party there? Apparently, not this stupid lady.