Can you be my "D.J."?
By Mike Silva
Hence marks the return of my "antics."
You can read my previous stunts here, since you probably haven't already.
After a writing hiatus, I abandoned this duty, to sit around and socialize with my Netflix instant queue.
Well, I got hungry again.
I decided to come back strong, kind of like the No. 45 to my previous No. 23. Just kidding, I was never that good, but I'd like to think people got some laughs.
Before I share my new pieces, I'll give you one I irresponsibly neglected to post back in August.
Scenario: I crafted a ridiculous scenario to throw an innocent soul into. I found a "D.J." No, not a disc jockey, a man named D.J. Or at least someone pretending to be D.J.
Enjoy.
Mike Silva: Mr. D.J. Ivan,
Boy am I happy to see you're available! I've been looking for a professional D.J. forever now. Let me know if you're interested!
Thanks,
Bill
D.J. Ivan: I am very interested email me or text me or call me so we can discuss how I can help you 713-xxx-xxxx Dj Ivan
MS: Mr. Ivan,
Unfortunately I cannot call you, because I am currently phoneless. I forgot I placed it behind my tires and backed out over it, ruined. Silly me!
Anyways, I am going to a major "family summer bbq blowout" before all the kids go back to school or whatever. I really need a "D.J.," and considering you're a professional, that just makes you and our story even more credible.
DI: I am sorry to hear that about your phone. All I need is a Date so I can check my schedule to see If it's available and time so I can give you a great deal so we can make that special day extra fun with awesome music by Dj Ivan :)
MS: Music? I guess that would be okay. As long as my family knows, or thinks, your name is D.J.
See, about four months ago, my parents threatened to kick me out of the house. They said I'd better get a job if I wanted to keep my "deadbeat ass off the streets." Unfortunately, I couldn't find one, so I just lied and said I did. I just dress up in a suit everyday and go kill seven hours at the public library just to keep them off my ass.
They kept hounding me about it, asking info, so I told them I worked for a man named "D.J.," so that's where you come in. Surely, my family will be asking about my job, so what better than to have my "boss" come with me. ;) Considering you're already a professional D.J., this should be a cake walk for you.
The date is August 20, from 3:28pm-9:12pm. Let me know how this works from your end, like your approach, your pitch, your story, etc. You must make a killing in this business!
DI: I am not sure if we are on the same page what exactly do you need or want me to do. Because I thought you wanted me to Dj like mix music for your families BBQ but it seems like something else I mean I am down to give you a hand in whatever I just need to know exactly what I am doing and if I am getting paid.
MS: Music? Lol what would I need music for? Mr. Ivan, you're a funny guy!
Basically, I will have my entire family at this bbq, and I need to impress them. You would just have to pretend to be a man named "D.J.," presumably "D.J. Ivan," since that's really your name, or at least your alias. I understand if you don't wanna let me know your real name if it isn't D.J. Ivan. It's probably best if I don't know all the truth anyways, I don't know how these impersonator things work. You know how bosses always seem to be mysterious. It'd be good to keep this stigma around for the bbq.
Though, they may ask you what D.J. stands for i.e. "Daniel James Ivan," or "Demetri Josef Ivan." You could use your real name, but it may impress them more if you just said it stands for a fancy sounding name, like, "DiGiovanni Julius Ivan." What you choose to do is up to you.
Of course we'd discuss compensation. There will obviously be free food there, and if you'd like, I could sneak some money out my mom's purse when she isn't looking. I just need to know how much.
Anyways, I really would like to know more about how this works. How many times have you impersonated a "D.J."? Also, who is your employer, and is he/she hiring? If you're good at your craft, and I can pick up on it a bit, maybe I can play a "Tony." I've always loved that name! Just remember, tell your boss my hours (which I previously stated).
Thanks man! I can't wait to work with you! :)
DI: I am sorry I can not help you. it sounds like you need some help that I can not provide for you. I believe you are mistaken in my services. Have a great day
MS: I'm very confused. I felt like we developed a very good rapport. Am I wrong?
What exactly are your services, Mr. Ivan? You are truly a D.J., right? Please tell me where I went wrong. I definitely think we can work a deal, right?
Come on, I really need you, "boss."
DI: Well I am a professional Dj like as a Dj who plays music like at parties and clubs idk what kind of DJ you have in mind but I am not that. like I said earlier I am sorry but I will not be able to be of service to you.
MS: Look sir, if you really wanna play music there, that's not a problem, I just don't see how that helps with the plot. Nevertheless, I will not question your methods. After all, you're the professional at this, not me.
So do you think I should call you Mr. Ivan, like an old school boss-employee relationship, or just D.J., like a progressive, new era type relationship? Maybe even like nicknames, like "Deej?" Just a thought.
If we do go old-school, though, can you just reiterate that your name is D.J. for them? Maybe introduce yourself like, "Hello, D.J. Ivan. And you are?" Aunt Edna is poor of hearing, so you'll have to kind of shout it, just a side note.
And of course, if you have to play your music, that's fine. However, I told them we work at a funeral home, so I think mixing up some dubstep or reggaeton would really throw them off. But hey, I'm sure you know what you're doing. I just wanna make this work.
DI: Go away.
In typical, old-school boss fashion, he dismissed me without explanation. I didn't realize playing music at the party was the swing-vote.
You're welcome.